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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 2, 2014 7:28pm-8:01pm PDT

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>> islamic extremists known as isis. >> jon: oh. [laughter] first rule of evil, try now to have your acronym remind people of '70s live action children's television shows. [applause] yes, i'm taking over your town. from now on everyone reports to me! captain kangaroo. doesn't work. listen, obviously all we seem to know about this group right now is they do incredibly evil [bleeped]. they are terrible people. but who are they? >> emerging from the chaos next door in syria, the extremists call themselves isis for the islamic state of iraq and syria. >> jon: pretentious. [laughter] what else do we know? >> isis captured military
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depots, equipment and weapons. >> they learned how to self-finance. >> they use social media as a weapon. >> jon: i got news for you, everybody uses social media as a weapon. [laughter] that's what it's for. what else? >> most-feared terrorists in the world. >> this terrorist army. >> seizing criminal of city after city. >> we've never seen anything like this. >> this is al qaeda times two. >> even al qaeda says isis is too violent. >> they're bloodthirsty radical islamic jihadists. >> isis is pure evil. >> isis is like a cancer. >> looks like they're unstoppable. [laughter] >> jon: so that's it. i guess we're done then. unstoppable, huh? we're not even going to try, russia, china, u.s., get the avengers together? are we going to do anything?
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>> u.s. air strikes have hit isis hard in iraq. >> the u.s. conducted two more air strikes in iraq against isis tar gets tuesday, putting the number at 98 strikes this month. >> jon: oh, air strikes. [laughter] america's answer to really any problem it seems. air strikes are like for america club soda. oh, you got a little stain on your shirt there? try a little air strikes. your stomach unsettled? air strikes will help that. an evil, unstoppable group? remember, these guys are unstoppable. [cheering and applause] unstoppable. air strikes aren't really going to cut it, are they? >> general martin dempsey
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indicated last week isis could not be defeated or contained simply using air strikes in iraq. >> most of the military experts say you have to go inside syria. >> could you see as crazy as it might sound, some sort of covert cooperation between the u.s. and the syrian regime of president bashara in damascus? >> jon: you know, it is [bleeped] like this that makes you almost regret destabilizing the region in the first place. [laughter] i guess now in some respects... [cheering and applause] i guess now... i guess now we find ourselves trapped between iraq and assad's place. [cheering and applause] thank you. i wrote that. thank you so much. thank you so much. we'll be right back after... no? we're not.
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all right. i thought that was kind of an ender. no? all right. [laughter] so who are these guys? >> 33-year-old douglas mcarthur mccain had gone to syria to join the isis jihad. >> jon: mccain! [laughter] so wait a minute. they're recruiting americans? >> he grew up in minnesota, and nothing on his phase become page hints why he decided to sacrifice his life for jihad. mccain's likes included pizza hut, the chicago bulls and the koran. >> jon: so isis is an unstoppable force of evil that's been using things like youtube to recruit hungry chicago bulls fans to fight for them. but for what purpose? >> a muslim caliphate, a single islamic state. >> everything about the caliph's outfit is meant to evoke the early islamic empire.
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>> jon: they want a caliphate, much like the empire ruled by the umayyads's in the seventh and eighth centuries. i hope you notified your recruits that life in the caliphate will be less pizza hut and more hut. [laughter] but setting aside the historical authenticity of isis methods, why exactly do you want your own country? you seem quite adapt at the depraved killing part. are you really prepared to do the little things you need to do to run a functioning state. >> they provide a modicum of order. >> they have their own courts. >> they're issuing license plates. >> isis militants now direct traffic. >> jon: oh, you're directing traffic. that must be so hard in a city with eight cars left. [laughter] you know, i wouldn't be so proud of accomplishing a job where you could be replaced by a colored light, all right?
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here's a question for you, guys who want to establish their own state, who is going to pay that guy's pension? how are you going to raise money to maintain those roads? oh, you captured some oil wells. great. now you have to refine it. what if there is a spill? you think you're radical and determined. have you met environmentalists? and that's not to mention all the resources you got to spend keeping your people happy. you're going to have to build parks, a zoom you're going to have to try to host the olympics, which even if you get, you're going to just spend billions to end up with a bunch of skating rinks you're never going to use again, especially after you outlaw skating because you're [bleeped] crazy. and remember all your fighters in those pick-up trucks? well, in 20 years, guess what, they'll be filling the waiting rooms in your dysfunctional v.a. let's see how much fun you have when you have to terrorize a nine-month backlog by hand because one computer's
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department doesn't talk to another computer's department. that's right, isis, take a good look at us. we're living your dream. [laughter] we're the most powerful state in history. we influence the whole world, and all we talk about is how everything sucks now. how much happier we were in the old days when we were tooling around on horses, taking pot shot at redcoats. no responsibletism we could spend all night just throwing tea into a harbor. you know what came after that? a few hundred years of [bleeped] paperwork. that's right. and by the way... [cheering and applause] by the way, of all the places to build a new government, great job picking the one region where they go through regimes like pringles. because pretty soon you're going to do something that's going to piss people off enough that they'll take arms up against you. and then suddenly you have your own insurgency to deal with. you're going to have the make some tough choices about working with people you don't like.
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and guess what? it's probably going to be us. so if that seems great, go for it. and in 20 years when you come crying no us, oh, no, my polarize government can't agree on a long-term solution for our fiscal policies, then all we'll have to say to you is this: fiscal policies, then all we'll have to say to you is this: welcome to the [bleeped] club. it takes place in anhaha, cleveland... i love it babe. i'm not your babe. you weren't saying that this morning, when you're like... mmmmm mmmm mmm alright we're done. break up with lingering food. (ding!) mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling... ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit fornot a finish line. starting gate, for you, the ats isn't just a trophy. it's a sleek, chiseled instrument of your ambition. and for you, the winner's circle is just another pit stop,
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[cheering and applause] >> welcome back to the show. joining me now to attempt the most amazing feat to a newscaster, i'm about to report a non-depressing story about a young black man in the area of st. louis, missouri. michael sam, yesterday he took one step closer to becoming the first openly gay man to play a regular season nfl game. he advanced to the st. louis rams 75-man roster. of course, espn has been covering his performance every step of the way. >> how is he fitting in with his teammates so far? >> defensive tackle kendall langford says michael sam is just one of the guys. another player told me, "sam is respecting our space and that from his perspective he seems to think that michael sam is waiting to kind of take a shower
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as not to make his teammates feel uncomfortable." [laughter] >> jon: why would his teammates feel uncomfortable showering with michael sam? does he use axe rotten egg and garlic body wash? does michael sam have a kuato? to be honest, i didn't really know what it was either. [laughter] michael sam's gay. are we not over this yet? >> while lang ford told me, "listen i have not been in the shower at the same time as michael sam, he said there could be a million reasons why that is. he could be doing extra work on the practice field. he could be riding his bike, he could be doing extra cardio." >> jon: yes, those are all the most likely things a football player might be doing, but he couldn't he also be singing show
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tunes or binge watching bravo. espn viewers need to know. for more let's go out the senior correspondents correspondent samantha bee live. [cheering and applause] live at rams' training camp outside of st. louis. is a samantha, the final cut to 53 players is going to be on saturday. how are michael sam's prospects? what's been happening? >> jon, i hate to say it, but it sounds like sam is in trouble. >> jon: you don't think he's going to make the team? has he been playing less well than has been reported? >> no, no, no, no. his work on the line has been great, but he's been making his teammates very uncomfortable. >> jon: well, actually they said he's been respecting them. he hasn't been showering with them. >> no, no, no. in fact, he hasn't been getting naked around them at all. jon, there's been no grab-ass, no dick snap, no ball cupping, none of the locker room behavior
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of normal, heterosexual nfl players. [cheering and applause] >> jon: i know the locker room can get a little, you know, whatever there, the grab-assy culture. it's in the that bad, though. >> oh, it isn't, jon? well, i happen to have a copy of the 2008 nfl expose, "boys will be boys." do you remember charles hayley? >> jon: a linebacker for the 49ers, two-time nfc player of the year, more than 100 career suspects. >> hayley would stroll up to an unsuspecting teammate, rip out his phallus and repeatedly stroke it in his face. a fall las is a [bleeped]. >> jon: i'm familiar with the
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term. >> he would wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward joe montana and bellow, "you know you want to suck this." >> jon: that is outrageous behavior. >> uh-huh. >> jon: joe montana led the 49ers to four super bowl wins. charles hayley should be sucking his [bleeped]. >> okay. okay. okay, jon. you know what, reasonable people can disagree about which totally straight pro football player should be blowing the other. the point is: if michael sam wants to fit into the nfl, he better cut the shy act and gay it up. >> jon: so you think he should be showering with the team. >> oh, my god, yes, and then when they're drying off, sneaking up behind them and putting his wet dick in their air, you know, hetero style. >> thank you so much for the report. >> thank you so much for the report. samantha b
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>> jon: welcome back to the program. my guest tonight is professor and chair of the regional studies department at national defense youth. his new book is called "the taliban revival: violence and extremism on the pakistan-afghanistan frontier. please welcome to the program hassan abbas. hello, sir. nice to see you again. thank you for joining us. >> thank you very much. >> jon: thank you for being here. the book is called "the taliban revival." i think it must have obviously been printed in error because i'm pretty sure we took care of these guys. i'm pretty sure we went to afghanistan. so they're actually done now. they're actually gone. >> we thought so. that was what we thought should have happened, but that's not the story. we thought that after the 9/11 tragedy and the way our forces went in that we would go and just through bombing and just through military kinetic action,
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which was important, but there was more space that they had gained. they had more power, and they had more ideas that we never thought would be there. >> jon: but we also... you know, we spent an awful lot of time in a sort of hearts and minds, nation-building mode, as well. i mean, in afghanistan, in iraq, ten years, 12 years, 14 years, billions of dollars. has that been for nought? >> no. that was a very important contribution, but in some cases we thought we'd be able to at times micromanage. we also thought, and when i say "we," the international community, we thought that we could just introduce the idea of democracy and freedom and liberty and the others would be willing to take it. they were going through a terrible phase of war for two or three decades. and we went only for enhancing
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their capability to fight terrorism through kinetic means. for instance, it was quite late in the game that we thought that afghanistan needs police, specifically lawmaker infrastructures, because civilian policing is linked to the rule of law. the rule of law is linked to democracy. there's no short way or shortcut to this. so we wanted to do well. i teach u.s. officers who have served in that area. i salute their dedication and commitment. but in terms of policy, we needed a much more comprehensive, well-thought-out process about education, about awareness. so we have done what we could, but to really tackle this kind of extremism we're seeing in afghanistan still and in iraq in the shape of isis, that requires a very i think comprehensive strategy, internally as well as externally.
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>> jon: be it doesn't... by all indications, these groups, the taliban, for whatever their power is, for whatever their revival, isis, the taliban, they don't seem to enjoy huge popular support amongst the people. they seem to rule through fear and through viciousness and depravity. i think the majority of people there just want to be left alone to lead their lives. it doesn't appear so. how do you focus on that? >> that is true. and they have devised good ways to manage this. for instance, the very idea of al qaeda, it was not about foot soldiers and a political party. this was a few people had some ideas based on distortion of islamic principle. but then they knew how to create fear. the whole view about terror tactics to oppress, to control, blackmail. that's what they have been good at, but i also wanted to seem in
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my way, as i was wearing my hat, my religious identity, to see the kind of... to challenge this, which has happened. at times we forget about it. at times we ignore it. at times it doesn't fit into our model. but that has been happening with the degeneration of religious and political groups. this sectarianism, this kind of bigotry and religious zeal, that enables these thugs with criminal backgrounds to do what they want to do. i'm thankful there's any sustainable change. you have to find partners from the outside in iraq or in afghanistan, pick partners who don't look at them as identical. we need partners who have credibility, who have some level of respect. >> jon: this is an interesting point you bring up.
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it's the one i can't wrap my head around: why is it the united states? why can't saudi, uae, all of these groups that have more credibility in that region and certainly in the sunni world, why can't they take the lead in this type of thing and do what you say? my assessment is that authoritarianism is as bad as terrorism. in some of these cases, i'll not name any countries, but the kind of bigotry that we see has been institutionalized in some of these countries. for us from outside, we must see the kind of injustices, oppression some of the noirs within the muslim and non-slims who are creating all these challenges.
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they require a different, dispassionate look. it has to be much more comprehensive, and i'm using the word "comprehensive" again because i have not seen that happening. >> jon: but then it's a world job. if this is a region trapped between autocracy and extremism, i think it's too big a job for one country. can you stick around? you'll stick around and tell us how to do it. >> i would love to. >> jon: i don't want to give away the ending of the book, but do we win? >> we will. >> jon: "the taliban revival" is on the books shelves now. hassan abbas, thank you. on the books shelves now. hassan abbas, thank you. [cheering and applause] the banquet bottle is a piece of our history. that's because it's filled with over 140 years of rocky mountain tradition. we'll drink to that. coors. the banquet beer. the bhershey's s'mores, together is hothe unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious.
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fornot a finish line. starting gate, for you, the ats isn't just a trophy. it's a sleek, chiseled instrument of your ambition. and for you, the winner's circle is just another pit stop, because you'll always be... ...coding it... ...torching it... ...chopping it... making it. the new 2015 cadillac ats. get 4 lines for just a hundred at&tbucks.'t? with unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. so much for at&t's 'best ever' family pricing. t-mobile's got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to t-mobile. we'll even buy you out of your service contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. pways to yummify with findi5-hour energy.
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hey, jennar fuzz mike trooawwwwww scram!g...
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i'm crust mike jubby roll bond chow gonna lean up an kiss bet. peas charty get town down. [laughter] ♪ borf a liver tute face stummy wag ♪ pow pam sha-beeps stella nerf berms. saxa-nay nay? badumps a head. temexiss gurrin. juppa left. fluppa jown! brone a brood. what? catch up on what everyone's talking about with the x1 entertainment operating system. preloaded with the latest episodes of the top 100 shows. only from xfinity. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> we want to show you video of a man accused of insider trading. his name michael lucarelli. we first told you about those charges on power lunch. we'll be following this one for you and see where it goes. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] [cheering and applause] man: ladies and gentlemen, dave chappelle! thank you all. thank you, folks. uh, tonight you've tuned in on a very special night. you know, now that the show's becoming successful-- people are writing about it in the papers-- the only thing more spectacular than our success is our failures. tonight, i will show you some of the craziest things we have tried to get away with and didn't succeed. [dave laughs] and these are old sketches, we actually went out, we shot these sketches-- i didn't make this idea up. this is a crazy, uh... well, you'll see, as we go along. but this is a good thing about black people.
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we are just the best at taking lemons and making lemonade. this is a skill that black people have been down with. they gave us the worst part of pigs and we said, "we're gonna call 'em chitlins, put some hot sauce on the nigga, and we will like 'em, we will like 'em!" we'll eat the snout if we have to-- if we have to, i will eat the snout. tonight, we are gonna eat all snout. this whole episode is just straight-up snout. [audience laughing] [dave laughing] now, this first sketch had our first celebrity cameo that chappelle's show ever had that nobody ever saw. it was a very good cameo. why don't you show 'em the beginning? [cheering and applause] welcome back. today, of course, we are dealing with kids who are b-a-d, bad. do you see, sally? this is what i have to deal with. ronald is just out of control. so triflin'. aw, ma, shut up. [farts] all right, it's time to straighten you up.